Was it Worth the Madness
by DinozzoJr
Summary: Azula reflects on her past and wonders if everything was truly worth it. A one-shot I did when I couldn't sleep. Hope you guys like it!


**Was it Worth the Madness**

_Princess Azula's Quarters, 94 ASC _

"I'm sick and tired of your _lies_, Azula." scolded my mother.

"But I'm not-"

"You're just like your _father_!"

"But mother, I'm not-"

"All you'll ever be"

"I'm-"

"Is"

"Not-"

"A _monster_!" finished mother, eyes boring into my own.

"I'm not lying!" I shouted, turning away from the woman, I was disgusted at the tears that had run down my face. I could never let my mother see me cry, I could never let her see me cry, I could never let her see me cry. I ran this through my head, refusing to let her see anything but but my back.

Her voice softened "Azula…" said the woman quietly, setting a gentle, caring hand on my back; I flinched away from the contact "I didn't mean-"

"Get out," I muttered through her through grit teeth.

"Azula-"

"Leave!" I yelled, whirling around with a stream of fire causing Mother to stumble back a small amount. The fire only dimly lit my room for a short moment, but it apparent that it was long enough for the woman to see the tears that had streaked down down my now stained cheeks. I sensed her surprise as she quickly left my room.

I slammed the door shut and held my head tightly. The woman thought I was a monster did she? She probably spent her sparse moments away from that weakling coming up with plans to destroy me. She fears me because I'm a monster. Because I have power. I gripped my head tightly. I couldn't take it anymore! The thoughts, the demons, my mother. They all wanted to destroy me. I can't hold it in any longer.

I let it out. A loud scream followed by my weak sobs. At this point, I don't care if anyone had heard it. I gripped my head tighter for a chance. A chance to regain control. I knew the woman was on the other side of the door. If it's a monster they want, I _will_ be the best of them all.

Was it worth the madness?

_Fire Nation Royal Palace, 96 ASC _

There was a knock on my door "Princess Azula, your father requests your immediate presence."

"Tell him I'll be there in a moment." I replied with monotone that could rival that Mai's. This charade of my father's had gotten old. But it is what I must do. I am his daughter, his puppet, his shadow. My training is to become him. My training is to become a monster.

I stood, done wit the games my own mind played. Another night with _him_. More burns, more pain, more nights I wish I could cry out in hopes that someone would hear and save me. More nights when I realize nobody cares. He's the Fire Lord. He can do whatever he wants to me and I have no say in any matter. I am his weapon and he is my meister.

I had exited my room and started down the hall to my father's chambers. They were dark, lit with bright torches like every other night I have to walk through them. His room wasn't far off from mine and I quickly arrived. How I wish the walk could have been longer. I knocked twice. Just like he told me. The door opened and I prepared for another night in hell.

He made me strip of my clothing once more, grabbing my waist with a bruising grip. His burning breath lingered on my face, reeking of alcohol. I was slammed down onto his bed. More burns, more bruises, more scars, more demons, but no screams. I could not scream. No matter how hard he hit or how vicious his thrust, I could not scream. No one would listen; no one would care.

The next day, Zuko would be the first to ask where I got them. I would snap at him for caring because I knew he couldn't feel my pain. Next in the day would come going to the academy and being lightly questioned by Mai and Ty Lee. I would tell them they were from training. Next would be another night of the pain building up, my mind being so full it felt like it would burst. More screams locked in my throat, more tears that I could never let fall.

Was it worth the madness?

_Royal Training Grounds, 97 ASC_

Father had said that he would begin teaching me to bend lightning. I had heard only the elite warriors are able to learn such skill. My father thinks highly of me. I enter the grounds, no one is there but him. Wait, no, I looked closer; healers. The grounds were surrounded with the top healers in the palace. What use would my father have for them during my training?

"Azula," he said "Today I will begin to teach you how to bend lightning."

I nodded.

""But before you can bend it, you must feel it. You must gain durability to it" I watched as his lips turned into a malicious smirk "You must be struck by it."

"Father, how will striking me with lightning help my training?"

His smirk even more malicious now than I had ever seen, "Let's just say you'll feel the energy of the lightning coursing through your body, making you used to the sensation. You must not dodge."

I nodded.

He barely made an arch, like I read about, his lightning was powerful, cold, deadly dangerous. Even though the hue of the attack was blue, all my brain saw was red. It triggered so many sensations. Red. Hot, stop, danger. Blue. Cool, cold, calm. Red. Emergency, fire, destruction. Blue. Water, welcome, endless. Red. Run, corruption, _monster_. I shook my head, everything moving in slow motion. The lightning was finally blue again, the red veil lifted from my eyes. Blue; stay.

The lightning struck me, immediately forcing me to my hands and knees, the healers rushed over. The excruciating pain had now dulled down the to slight ache. I stood straight and let my training continue.

Was it worth the madness?

_Boiling Rock, 100 ASC_

I stood there, completely baffled at Mai's actions. She knew the consequences, so why? Why would she do it. It happened in a blur, more of a spur of the moment thing. Her knives were ready and I am about to fire lightning into her skull. I went to strike but the something, no, _someone_ stopped her. It was Ty Lee. They had betrayed me. I hit the ground. They had left me for Zuko. Just like everyone else.

Almost an hour passed until I could completely feel my limbs. He would pay. I shall punish him. I will punish Zuko for stealing everything from me. Time to face him and the Avatar's merry band of misfits. Look out _Zuzu_, I'm about to become an only child. I smirked the same way that my father would give me during my training.

Was it worth the madness?

_Royal Palace, The Day of Sozin's Comet_

I saw her. I saw my mother. In the mirror. I thought she had left. She was gone! Banished! She was never supposed to come back! No, no, no, no, no, no! I grabbed a brush and threw it at the mirror, shattering the picture of her in the mirror. I'm so scared.

I go out for my coronation, my brother shows up. He wants to challenge _me_ to an Agni Kai? Tough luck. I was winning... But I could feel it. I'm slipping. Please, dear Agni, not now.

Next thing I know, Zuko is on the ground and the Water Tribe girl tried healing him. No. I chased after her, I am completely numb. I must defeat her! We're on a grate with water beneath. I haven't assessed that. I'm frozen. The water around me turned to liquid as the peasant chained me down.

That was when I snapped. I couldn't hold it in. Just like the day I accepted the title; _monster_. I screamed, I let out breaths of fire, I bawled. I've lost my honor and my country. I have no way of redeeming it. My cries died down at least. I'm broken, but I will _never_ admit my defeat. Father said to never admit to losing.

Was it worth the madness?

_Psych Ward, Room 394, 101 ASC_

Every day Zuko and his friends visit. Every day do their words plague me, try to change me. But they can never get rid of _her._ My mother's hallucination will never go away. But enough of that. I needed a sincere answer from myself. A question that has plagued me ever since I was a foolish child.

Was it worth the madness?

And now finally, I could fathom an answer. And now I have the answer; yes.

A/N: I hope you guys liked it! Sorry if there are any grammatical errors, I can barely keep my eyes open. Hehehe. Read and review!


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